A Purpose
by Pandora the Cat
Summary: In the future, Spike tells the story about what happened to him personally when the portal closed.


A Purpose

**A Purpose**

by: [Pandora][1]

  
  
DISCLAIMER: Joss and other people own all.   
DISTRIBUTION: Those who already have my permission, feel free. Anyone else, please let me know.  
RATING: PG-13  
SPOILERS: Anything up to and including "The Gift" is fair game.  
REVIEW: Sure.  
NOTES: In the future, Spike tells the story about what happened to him personally when the portal closed.  
DEDICATION: To the entire One-Good-Day crew who keep a stash of Naked Spikes handy. grin 

**A Purpose**

The shaking stopped. The lightening stopped. It became suddenly quiet, as if all sound 'ad been snuffed out in an instant, as if the heavens were stunned into abject silence. I looked up from my position on the ground t' see that the portal 'ad closed. *Good, Buffy saved the day. Buffy always saves the day.* I thought in excitement and admiration for my golden girl. I always called 'er 'mine' in my mind, it made me feel closer t' her. She'd probably 'ave staked me if she knew 'ow I 'owned' her in my fantasies.

In those first few seconds of relief that the danger was past, it didn't occur t' me that since the ritual 'ad already begun, the only way t' stop it was when the blood stopped flowing. And I don't mean stopped by putting a bandage over it, because that does not actually stop the blood from flowing. It only stops it from flowing outside the body, but as long as the body is alive, the blood will still flow. Therefore, the portals between dimensions would remain open until the blood that opened them in the ritual stopped flowing... COMPLETELY.

Gradually, I realized that since it'd started and was now stopped, that Dawn must be dead. *Oh, my poor Buffy. I let you down. I didn't protect Dawn as I promised I would. Oh god, 'ow is she going t' get through this?* My thoughts were filled with grief for Buffy at that moment. For a short time, I wondered 'ow Dawn 'ad died. Did Buffy decide that t' save the world, she must kill 'er closest blood relative? No, there was no way that Buffy'd do that. Dawn must've jumped 'erself. Little bit always 'ad a great deal of courage and she'd do the right thing, just like 'er big sis. Those Summers' women were so bloody wonderful. Makes me ill t' think of all the years I've been on this earth and 'ow much damage I've done. My admiration for them grew tenfold.

Slowly, as if coming out from behind a thick fog, it dawned on me that Buffy'd not accept the obvious conclusion. She'd not allow her sister t' die if there was anything she could do t' prevent it. I knew this. I knew Buffy. I knew 'er better than anyone, but it never occurred t' me t' think about another possibility. All the clues 'ad been there, but all of us, myself included, 'ad ignored the facts. Not even 'er watcher 'ad figured out that Buffy'd not allow someone else t' die if she could prevent it in any way possible. I should've known she'd sacrifice 'erself t' save Dawn and the world. I should've known. The wheels were turning in 'er head. Death was 'er gift. Dawn was made from 'er. Their blood was the same. Bloody hell! I SHOULD'VE known!

When I came t' the realization that there was only one way our Buffy would respond, I feared t' look up. I didn't want t' see what I knew I'd see, but I also knew I must. I picked myself up and moved slowly t' where the Scoobies were gathering. Even though I knew 'n my heart what I'd find there, the sight of 'er body nearly tore me apart. My knees gave out and I fell t' the ground. I looked up t' see if it'd been a dream, a nightmare, but it was not. I broke. I broke and the floodgates opened. I'd 'eard that expression many times b'fore, but never really understood what it meant till that moment. I could not stop sobbing uncontrollably. The tears poured down my face.

My 'eart felt as though it was gripped in a vice, as though some giant hand was squeezing it in an effort t' give its muscles a workout. If I'd needed t' breathe, it would've taken too much effort. Pain far beyond anything I'd imagined was pinnin' me t' the ground. I was unable t' move in my grief.

While sobbing there on the ground, images flashed through my mind. Images of Buffy the first time I saw 'er, the times I tried t' kill 'er, the first time we made a truce. Images of the time Red'd put that spell on us. I 'ad secretly cherished those images, but I'd not 'ave admitted it t' anyone but Buffy. Then I came t' the images of possibilities lost. All of the possibilties that were lost when we lost 'er. Everything gone. Just gone.

I don't know 'ow long I was there sobbing wretchedly, it seemed an eternity. The emotions flooded through me. The pain of loss, the agony, the despair, and the knowledge that I'd failed her. I'd let 'er down and now she was gone. My beautiful Buffy was gone. There was no light left in the sky. I'd no reason to go on, no purpose in this bitter world. All that was left for me was an eternity of agony and regret and I wasn't strong enough t' bear that. I'd just about made up my mind t' walk directly into the sunlight t' put myself out of my misery, when I felt a tentative touch on my shoulder and then heard a soft voice behind me.

"Spike..." she said with a question in her voice, as if she blamed herself, and I knew then that I still 'ad a purpose. I'd made a promise t' a lady and I planned t' keep it.

~~The End~~

   [1]: mailto: I-Like-Spike@att.net



End file.
